Harlow. I wanted blog before I went out to study. I'm doing overnight study with my sister. I've got to go out and study. If I don't I'll never get my assignments done. I've got english, physics and malay. LOADS of MALAY. There's like three compositions I have to write. LOLs.

Oh well, Eugenia Lau is in Genting. I think she's back by the time. Oh well, I went to Sheena's house today with Eleena and Ellis. Fun. Hahas. I didn't know we're not suppose to read book at their houses. It's inauspicious.. Hahas.. =) I don't feel like writing liaos.. Ciao..

I've decided to post about the release of O levels' results that took place yesterday. The entire hall was a place of tears, fears and happiness. There were expressions are were expected which was of joy. Some of my seniors were happy with their aggregate. They were elated and jumped in front of the teachers. However, in life there are always tears. There are some seniors of mine who were in despair. They were disappointed.

There were people who had thought their results was ok which was not good but not that bad. But what had made me so silent during the entire process of when they're taking the results is the fact that I was watching everyone's expression. I couldn't see my teacher's expression well because they were backed faced me. But, I manage to catch a good glimpse of their reaction which was shaking head, nodding or anything else.

Han Xiang who still topped the sec 5 got 9 points. Congratulations. As for the express classes, it was Su Xin who got 8 points. Congratulations as well. However, I was wondering why didn't anybody beat Hayati, a 6 pointer of Bowen.
Why? Was it because no one was as smart as her? Was she very hardworking? Was it because she has a small number of subjects? What was it?

Not only that, she was from a combined science class. No one expected it. No one. It was unbelievable. But, nonetheless, she did it.

Therefore, teachers would ask, would you like to have a reaction on that day whereby you have tears of joy of tears of sadness?

i feel as though my world is crumbling apart.
apart from expressing myself, letting ones emotions shown is like fart.
foul and smelly.
but not all are jelly.

some pure as white
and as dusty as a construction site.
trying to pick myself up from the dirty ground.
i feel myself falling back into a bound.

i try and try and try.
but i never fail to cry.
everytime i try, i'll fall.
even if i win, i'll be dull.

i shouldn't have cried.
wasting my tears on raisins that are dried.
unable to collect back my tears.
i fall into a pit of fear.

apalled by my words and action.
worried about my decision.

writing this part
brings tears to heart.
unable to contain by heartfelt feelings,
i open them in an open stretch of railing.

my cheeks glistening
just like the silvery railing.
coated by silver.
as i try to cover.

i fought hard to state my opinions.
but, like debate, there's also also hectic options.
what do they expect for me to meet?
it seems like see my breaking down shows my defeat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was the poem from my blog previously.. I didn't what occasion was it.. hahas.. But quite nice.. hahahahas. Nahs. not as nice as my sister and the lit students.. hahas..

In people's shoes

Well, I wouldn't direct anything to anyone. This post goes out to all seniors and teachers.

As for the teachers part, a few days ago we had a discussion with the class remember? Well, Celest said this: 'I feel for the teachers man.' This was because they didn't have the opportunity to actually stand in front of the class and try to get their cooperation. Well, I appeared so relaxed because I knew how they felt. But, due to guides, I tone done my reaction. It's good that they know how the teachers feel now. Whenever we are in a noisy state.

Then, seniors. I apologize if at any point of time any of us mentioned: 'Ever since she got that post, she changed.' There are of course limits to this. However, we now know that it's not easy. And changes are for the better. If you seniors do not make the changes now, later, in the next generation, they would suffer due to the consequences that we did not face and took note of.

As a senior, I now know how to feel as I'm standing in their shoes. The shoes are tight and uncomfortable. My feet and toes and getting tired of squeezing inside the small shoes. They are sore and getting numb. However, I continue to walk, run, march in it because I had started the run for the long highway and I have to end it. Whether I die, collapse in the end, I must still continue to move on because I've put on my gears and started running.

Juniors, it's not easy to be where you are either. You are running in a marathon and there's wind and gushes. Due to the flying glasses or fragments, you get scars on your face. Due to the rocks that trip you, you scrap your knees. However, if that happens, you would always pull through, standing up and start running again, even if it means limping towards the ending. There might be bad thorough injury but heal that with your hurt but not your physical state.

I read Zaki's blog.

Sometimes, you try to do good things but you end up wondering in the prison. You tried to explain to lawyer that you are not guilty but these 'people' never understand. You tried again and this time its the same ol' story, you failed to convince them. "Goodwill?" they asked. "Are you kidding? You should have.." they continue. There will be a period of time when you get down to 'earth' and soon realised that it is no use of rebelling and fighting against something that is already final. And it is this period of time that you will feel helpless and tired of this whole thing. Why should i fight for something that is never going to be heading my way? Maybe they are too smart or too brave to even understand the meaning of goodwill.

Oh well, till next time then. For the moment, i will be at the corner of my cell waiting.. waitting for god knows what.

somethings are just not meant to be

Quoted from Zaki's blog. Lols. We are realise that now. And I'm not letting go now. Not ever until June. I'm just waiting darlings. Just like what you guys are. Waiting for us to step down. We're waiting to step down also.

Darlings, there's still a lot to learn. A lot more. Then why are you so eager? We do not want to leave you in a lurch.

And this headache of mine just refuse to stop. So nice.. hahas. And don't think we got problemS? I'm having one right now. A big one that I won't stop thinking about.

Gwen, I feel for you now. You know what you always do darling. When you're not happy, you make yourself happy and try to mask your sorrows? Right. I'm doing it now. And I know why you do it now.. I understand your reasons.

Harlow people. I would have been able to update faster if my sister wasn't using my computer. However, I forgot that I can just use her laptop for all I care. I think I used a lot more times that her already. LOLs.

Anyways, about today. Or rather, yesterday. It was the class discussion about the class t shirt. The people that was in front was cai xin, celest and me. Unfortunately, you can see clearly that was class was not cooperating with us. They are exactly like my juniors. Are I am saying that they're not growing up. Yes, they're not. Some people in my class just have to form of respect for the person in front of them talking.

They just continue talking as if they are somehow in their own world. Celest and Cai Xin somehow couldn't be bothered. Cai Xin walked out of the class. Being as nice as I was, HAHAS, I didn't seem pissed. Hahas. Perhaps I was just too use to what these type of people always do. I just didn't wish to interrupt the entire fun. I have problems expressing the right emotions at the right time. It was nice to see that some people realise how the teacher have to stand there, to handle this type of class and to get their attention. Imagine, if you to stand in your teacher's shoes, how long can you last.

I can easily say this because I know how to feels like to do so. To shout for attention and to end up with no one listening to you. I always have to shout at my girls if they were to not have a sense of urgency or for any other matter. That was one part of the day. I just told my friends, 'I'm very nice one.' hahas. So fun.. But, I did shout at one point. I didn't like the feeling. Because if I shout, it's like shouting at my juniors. It's like insulting my classmates that cannot behave when they have come to same age as me and they still cannot control their mouths. I don't like the feeling. If I was shouting at my juniors, we wouldn't mind because we are more superior. But, in this case, I don't want to feel superior compared to my friends because they are of the same standard and platform as i am.

Some leaders in my class might experience this type of things when handling their cca. But, I dare to say that only a few requires for them to shout in order to get attention. Why? Because they do not see the need. Nvm.

That one only one part of the day that I went through. The other part of the day was when we went for the rehearsal for councilor investiture. I was so sad about something. It wasn't the council head thing but about the analogics thing.

The department that I was is called Analogics. It handles the gates and late coming. Previously, in the year 2004, the department was still called 'Late coming', However, at the end of the year 2004 towards 2005, it was then called Analogics. At that point of time, the job scope was gate, late coming, tie and detention class. Yes, it played a big part in the board. However, at the end of the year, in 2006, the job scope was minimized. It was to be said that Analogics had handled too much stuff and it was to be cut down and gave to another department. So, the new job scope was only gates and late coming.

During the meeting, mrf. said there was one department called the 'anal-logics' and he asked what it does and was answered by gates. And he once again pronounced it as 'anal-logics'. Then everyone laughed because they think that what he said was funny or something like that. I looked around and saw najib, kumaran, shakil. Laughing. Yes, if any of the classmate see this, by all means, tell them Because, I can't be bothered if I hurt their feelings. Because, they just did the same thing to me.

I nearly broke down inside the lt. But, I kept it down. I didn't know what to say. I was amazed at the response I was getting. I understand that if the rest were to laugh, it's ok. But, I didn't expect them to laugh. You're asking if I'm disappointed? No, honestly. I'm utterly disappointed and angry at them. If I can do it, I shall put their necks in the crooks of my hands.

Such shame I felt and yet, no one to back me up. I didn't know what to say. Hais. I was trained by Nadia. What was it you asked? It was to work with mrsd. It was to update the notice board, do the hod late coming duty list, patroling duty and many more. But, soon, we had a choice to choose which department we wanted to go to. Everyone in my class went to student liaison, t n o. However, I was the only one to choose Analogics. Why? Because I started out at gate. Gate out. They decided to respect my decision even though some people were sad. Nadia, she had hoped I go to her department but I had to choose. Therefore, I chose the road my sister went.

Somehow, I was trained under pb after some time and I did a lot of work regarding everything in the department. At that time, dc was still under us. I sacrifice a lot of my time for it. I really did. Then, it was selection for the new exco. I was nominated but I was voted out. Sad I would say. But, hey, it's my fault. Then. second time round, still nominated, but, out again. Because I was just unchoosen. Then, now, they're collapsing the system. I doubt there will be any more Analogics.

Yes, I'm upset and sad about this. But, I tell myself, I must stay strong. My journey through prefect, council was hard and tedious. Just like guides. I had setbacks. But, yes, council/prefect still live in my heart. But, now, even though there's still a fire, I don't know how long before the oxygen run out.

I saw pb today. I don't know how to tell him. How I let him down.

Anyways, I just want to tell the people of council management, you will not even be existing if it weren't for Analogics. Remember that. So, don't try to step over my head nor anyone before me. After me, you can step all you want. You know why? Cause after that, everything is going to FALL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.